The Noisebringers Olympics

Statement

2020年8月

森喜朗社長と公益財団法人東京オリンピック・パラリンピック競技大会組織委員会

ノイズの提供者/騒音の御用達

森喜朗社長への公開書簡

ご担当者様,紅葉の季節を迎えましたが、 御社におかれましてはますますご隆盛のこととお慶び申し上げます。

オリンピックが延期になるので、まだ行動する時間があります!私たち、ノイズの提供者/騒音の御用達は、国際的に有名なアーティストです。私たち3人と同僚は、アートはスポーツと同じくらい良いと信じています。それは、来年のオリンピックの試合に向けての提案があります。

私たちの日本語はひどいので、提案を英語で書きます。私たちの不適切さに対する心からの謝罪を受け入れてください。

Art competitions formed part of the modern Olympic Games from 1912 to 1948. We, the Noisebringers, demand their immediate and irrevocable reinstatement. In order to enhance the popularity, spectacularity, and inclusivity of the postponed Tokyo 2020 games, we propose to replace the old categories (fine arts, architecture, literature, etc.) with new, improved, exciting, and relevant ones. We propose the inclusion of the following forms of high-octane entertainment, for review by Mr Yoshirō Mori and the Tokyo Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games.

Individual Categories:

  • Women’s underarm flute performance[1]
  • Viola Javelin[2]
  • Shouting over slam poetry until it becomes inaudible (distance from poet of 200/400/800m)
  • Fastest time to untangle XLR cable bundle (10/20m length, cable quantity 4-500)
  • Biggest ego
  • Men’s fastest time to name-drop 30 groundbreakingly experimental artists whose work we should “check out”
  • Most objects laid out on small folding table
  • Competitive individual screen-printing (t-shirt, tote-bag[3])
  • Over-18’s underwater solo singing (traditional, contemporary)
  • Transporting of gear to venue without a car or friends[4]: no-sweating, fastest time, least complaining
  • DIY Instrument building: wood, metal, electronics, repurposed instruments
  • Contemporary dance sub-category:
    • Flowiest t-shirt
    • Longest time spent without rolling on floor: 10/20/30 minute performance
    • Barefoot performance: protruding nail avoidance, wood-floor splinter mitigation
    • Least dust/dirt on clothes by gig end
  • Performer shortest fringe/bangs
  • Non-artist significant other sub-category
    • Confusion and Boredom levels: highest, lowest, best-concealed
    • Carrying and setting-up: obstruction and helpfulness
    • Artist-allyship: support, tolerance
    • Bullshit conversation: time sustained without panic (30s, 1m, 5m, 30m)

Group Categories

  • Men’s group analogue-synthesiser sub-category:
    • Conversation length: longest, shortest
    • Most shades of coloured wire: duos, trios
    • Shortest set-up time
    • Smallest number of archaic media used in performance (audio cassette, vinyl, floppy-disk, wax-cylinder, etc.): duos, trios
  • Fastest de-tuning of piano: Teams 2-4, Upright, Baby-Grand, Grand.
  • Most gig-posters put up in one night before they are torn down: teams of 3
  • Most audience members convinced to come to gig instead of go drinking: teams of 3
  • Most unenthusiastic clapping: audience – single hand on thigh, two-handed, snaps, hand against beverage (glass, plastic, bottle, etc.)
  • Free-Jazz ensemble diversity sub-category:
    • Least men
    • Shortest set
    • Shortest preamble

Venue category:

  • Largest room with smallest number of individual broken heaters
  • Most expensive craft beer
  • Largest number of audience members who are not friends of performers or performers of previous/next set
  • Longest delay to gig start-time
  • Lowest decibel level for multi-channel speaker array
  • Smallest number of WCABHNEDO4[5] “composers” programmed per season
  • Bathroom sub-category:
    • Cleanest
    • Number of toilet rolls available
    • Average queue length: shortest, longest
    • Temperature: hottest, coldest
  • Proximity to venue with alcohol-sales[6]

私たちは、委員会の承認を待って、上記のすべてのカテゴリを直ちに含めることを要求します(革命はテレビ放映されないかもしれませんが、官僚が関与することを理解しています)。

敬具, サッフォー マリア、マクフェルソン ヘンリー、カテラン ブリース


[1] Due to the predicted overwhelming popularity of women’s left-handed over-shoulder piccolo performance, this category has been withdrawn to mitigate the gathering of large and excited crowds, in an effort to reduce the spread of Coronavirus

[2] With regards to countries in which violas and viola-aligned performance have been made illegal, substitution with Recorder or Bagpipe is sufficient

[3] Band-logo print category redacted over possibility of copyright disputes

[4] Friendship category redacted due to social-distancing guidelines

[5] White, cisgender, able-bodied, heterosexual, neurotypical, European, dead and/or over-40-year-old

[6] Venues holding alcohol licenses are barred from entry

Giant foot hiker avoidance

Giant foot hiker avoidance competition.
Athlete: Tente.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).

100m fishing line

100m fishing line competition – commented version
Athlete: Maria Sappho.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).
100m fishing line competition – full performance
Athlete: Maria Sappho.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).
100m fishing line competition – bodycam view
Athlete: Maria Sappho.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).
100m fishing line competition – bowing
Athlete: Maria Sappho.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).

Exiting

Exiting competition.
Athlete: Brice Catherin.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).

Mixed 10m Jangle Stick

Mixed 10m Jangle Stick – with interview.
Athlete: Sergio de la Fiesta.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).

Underwater double flute

Underwater Double Flute.
Athlete: John Havermeyer.
From the Noisebringers Olympics (2021).

Synchronised dog napping

(Will be uploaded soon.)